Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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