My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
