I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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