census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
