omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
