My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
