Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
