i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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