Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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