My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
