1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
