Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
