Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
