proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm bleeding and have questions
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
