omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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