My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
