I need help removing her.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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