On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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