____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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