she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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