Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize