i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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