I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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