where am i from again
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
