When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
