he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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