Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
