My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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