you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
