I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
