even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
