my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
