If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Randomize
