I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
