i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
