dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
