I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
