ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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