how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
