I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
