you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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