In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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