i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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