May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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