Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
