im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
honey bunches of taint.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
