Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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