I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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