Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
