maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
