My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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