went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
