oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
