Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I could fuck to npr.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
