Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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