The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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