Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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