im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
