Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
