I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
