I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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