I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
