"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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