I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
